Struggling

I am struggling really bad right now. With what; you ask? Whether or not God exists. My Scientific side is fighting a major battle with my Spiritual side and I am not sure who is winning. The preponderance of evidence is on the side of Science but then my Spiritual side is hit with such a remarkable miracle that makes me question everything.

I have a cousin who struggled with alcohol, drugs, and smoking for over 20 years. He had read from the bible before but one day felt compelled to go sit in his bed and read it. He felt something come over him and quit drinking and doing drugs from that point on and a few weeks later gave up cigarettes "cold turkey". He never had any withdrawal symptoms from the drugs or alcohol which in itself is something after doing them for over 20 years. There had to be a higher power at work for him. This happened to him in the 1990s but I just recently heard the story from him.

I have never been much of a church goer and I doubt that will ever change. I really don't know which way to turn for answers because I am afraid of being judged. I know that there is a quote that is something like "judge not lest you be judged" and I am thankful that most of my friends are not judgemental but some of the most judgmental people I know are "Christians".

The Budget

I do the budget in our family so I feel that if there is a problem it is my fault. We have been very lucky in that my husband has a stable job and makes good money. I just wish we would have been wiser over the years with our money decisions. I bet most of us could have written the previous sentence.

It seems like we can never get ahead; we get one thing paid off and something else comes up. We tried following Dave Ramsey's Plan and we could not stick to it. Over the years I have tried babysitting and getting a job. Babysitting was ridiculous because people want you to watch their children but they don't want to pay you. Any jobs that I could find did not make me happy because I have always been happiest as a stay-at-home wife/mother.

I have always done our budget from the time we got married. Toby says "he makes the money" so I can do the budget. I get so anal about the budget that sometimes I will do budget projections a year or more into the future. That is where I get frustrated because things don't seem to be getting paid off as fast as I would like. It was my idea to cut Cable from the budget and I was the weakling who couldn't handle it and we got it back. I'm sure if we got rid of some of our pets it would help the budget but when you love your pets how do you decide who should go?

I want to do better with our budget so that Toby and I can realize our long-term goals. We had hoped to move South after Travis graduates from high school but I don't know if/when we will be able to achieve that goal.

What ways are you "tightening your belts" to help your budget?

In The Grand Scheme Of Things; How Really Important Are Looks???

A little background info; in 2002 I had to have one of my front teeth pulled. When this had to be done I was really upset about losing a front tooth and almost immediately got a partial. That is when the problems started. My dentist at the time had a really hard time getting the partial to fit properly and once she did all seemed well. I then noticed that every time I wore it I would get a headache and it just wasn't that comfortable. Finally, a couple of years ago; I got so frustrated with it that I just threw the partial away. I thought if people couldn't look past the fact that I had a tooth missing then maybe they weren't worth me knowing.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was talking with my MIL and she was telling me how one of her front teeth broke off while she was eating the other day. She said that she was going to the dentist and getting it fixed no matter what the cost and that her sister said she looked weird/funny without the tooth there. She also said something to the effect of "I feel like a Beverly Hillbilly" or something like that. I told her that it wasn't so bad. I told her that I would like to eventually get mine fixed but money wise it wasn't a priority. She then told me that I should get it fixed before I go to school. It makes me wonder what she really thinks of me??

It amazes me how a few little comments from someone can undo the all of the positive outlook that I struggled so hard to have!

So indulge me and answer this; "how important are looks in the grand scheme of things?"